A Simple Piece of Fabric

A few nights before Kaelyn was born, Wayne and I went shopping. Shopping for fabric. It was a task I had on my to do list for weeks, but couldn't bring myself to do it. You see there is a lady that makes teddy bears out of special material for families who have babies that pass away. We spent over an hour looking through hundreds of fabrics, trying to find the perfect one for our daughters bear, in case she didn't make it. We finally decided on a very softy fluffy light green material. We took it up to the counter to be cut. We weren't sure how much we would need and we told the lady working that we were going to be making a baby blanket for our daughter. She kept insisting that there wasn't enough fabric left on the roll to make a baby blanket. Not quite sure how to respond I just told her it was for a very small baby. To that she replied, "They get bigger".

It felt so surreal, the whole experience, like it wasn't really us in that fabric store, facing the fact that our daughter, the little girl still alive inside of me, might not live very long, if at all. I just wanted the lady in the fabric store to understand. To just give us the fabric we would need and let us go on our way. But she couldn't understand, how could she? How could anyone understand what was going on in our minds - in our hearts, when we didn't even understand it ourselves?

Five months ago it was if our world came crashing down on us, like everything we knew/expected was gone and we were left alone in the dark. The world around us kept moving forward while ours stood still. It was such a relief the day that little miss Kaelyn was born, she was here with us, we didn't have to wonder if that day would come anymore. Now we're on a different journey, one that is still very hard, but with that little girl by our side we know we can continue on, to push forward and face whatever comes our way.

That piece of green fabric is now covering her crib at home, waiting for her. But it will have to patient, just like us. It will have to wait until her little body is ready to come home. As I look at that piece of material tonight I'm grateful it isn't being used the way it was intended. That we have found a different use for it, a better use. A constant reminder of how far we've come, and how far we have yet to go.

Baby girl, we are so glad you are here, that I believe was the first step in your miraculous journey. When I get sad and want you to be here with me, sitting in the rocking chair in your room, I will remember to have faith and know that this time in your precious life will soon be finished and we'll be onto the next, here in your room, at home.

-Mom